Over the Hump

I am now over the hump. Somehow, I have survived five weeks of the ten-week autumn quarter, and am embarking upon the sixth. Remember in my last post I said something about knowing that this would be difficult and that I would be filled with doubt and so on and so forth? I think I also said something about being ready for it.

I lied. I did so unwittingly, of course, but there is definitely a reason that I missed an entire month of blogging.

Let me preface this by saying that I love all of my opportunities here. I love my cohort. I love my professors. I love the interesting speakers that are brought in for workshops and master classes. I love the reading (well, most of it).

I thought I was prepared for all of the less appealing aspects of grad school. I was not. One issue is that grad school can become very solitary. Everyone is so swamped with work that many of us simply want to veg out and watch some television or nap during our precious free time. That does not work for me. I need to go out or I will be holed up in my apartment or the library or a coffee shop doing work, more work, and Facebook. Work and Facebook do not a fulfilling life make. Basically, it has become time for me to kick into sorority mode. Before the end of this quarter, I will make every effort to get most of the cohort to drop their reading for long enough to see a movie or grab some food. It is getting kind of ridic.

Then there is the nasty monster that some call "impostor syndrome," which refers to the feelings of self-doubt that many graduate students battle. These questions may include, but are certainly not limited to: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Why didn't I think of that awesome idea or insightful question? All of these people are so smart, do I really belong here? Was my question idiotic? That other student is looking at me funny, did I interpret this author incorrectly? The professor looks perplexed, should I stop talking while I am still ahead? Am I the only one who didn't finish the reading? It happens a lot. I know because not only do I face these questions all of the time, but in talking with other graduate students I have found out that many of them feel the same way. Feelings of inadequacy can lead us to do our best work, but it can be as damaging to some as it can be helpful to others.

On top of the solitude and self-doubt, the workload is ridiculous. Apparently, however, it is ridiculous for a reason. Many good undergraduate students who end up going to graduate school tend to strive for excellence. This means reading all of the material assigned, plus some of the suggested readings or individual research on the topic, outlining said material, and preparing insightful questions for class time or a professor's office hours. I have determined that this is simply not humanly possible, so the question becomes what am I to do? The answer, it seems, is bound up with realizing that part of graduate school is learning how to cull through the available resources and read in a way that is useful for your own research. Whoa. That sounds crazy, right? It is just sooooo utilitarian. Learning should be about reading widely and intensely with no specific purpose except to learn or become a better human being or something. Here is the hitch. Grad school is about training to be a professor, not a liberal education. As a professor (should I ever be able to find a job or, more importantly perhaps, graduate), there will be a massive amount of material to sift through and I will not be able to read it all. How I select what to read thoroughly and what to skim or leave aside is a skill that will be invaluable. The workload ensures that grad students learn to do this, else they will become hermits poring over books and forgetting to eat, exercise, and maintain social and spiritual relationships. Still, knowing this does not necessarily make the transition easy. Understanding the method to the madness has been helpful, but I still have a ways to go until I master this particular art of the academic.

Now, most of you know that I love to cook. You may be wondering if my food life has been reduced to frozen meals and Chinese takeout due to the craziness of school. Thankfully, I (kind of) have time to cook every week. A few of my favorite main meals the past couple of weeks have included curry chicken salad on pita bread, panko-crusted chicken with a modified chimichurri sauce, chipotle pepper/adobo sauce tacos done in a slow cooker, and balsamic chicken with a salad of asparagus, cherry tomatoes, and mozzarella. I encourage everyone, though particularly students, to try and cook their own food every week. It is a great way to monitor what is actually going into your food and the more fresh food you eat, the more your body will no longer crave processed foods. Seriously, it is doable. I promise. One day, I will post a few yummy recipes that require simple ingredients that are easy on the wallet, minimal cooking skill, and are easy to clean up.

All in all, I am loving graduate school. Finding out how to deal with all of the craziness has not been easy, but it is getting better. In the mean time, I am just doing the best that I can.

The next post will not be until I finish writing two papers during Thanksgiving break. So, I hope you all have a fabulous time with loved ones over the holiday and all that jazz.

-Stephanie