Over the summer, I debated about whether or not I would post anything about comps on this blog. What if I decided to back out? Even worse, what if I fail! Really, though, the exam was a humongous part of my life, and it would have been strange not to blog about it at all. However, I definitely regretted letting everyone know that I had taken the exam the second I sent in my response for the final day. I was dreading having to write a blog saying that I failed.
Note: This post has gotten really long. The short version is as follows: I could not have passed without my husband, my reading group, my family, and a fortuitous set of undergrad experiences. Also, I go into what it felt like to take the exam, which was some parts exhilarating, educational, and exhausting.
I could not have passed without a few things happening.
1. Mark gets a lot of credit here, obviously. He went above and beyond when it came to making sure that I had everything I needed. When I write "everything I needed," I mean that to be read in the most expansive way possible. He did a lot of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping--especially in the last two weeks. On top of that, he was kind and sweet and calm while I was anxious, stressed, and generally a mess. He made sure I got out of the apartment at least once a week, which sounds silly, but try spending a week or two inside your apartment or house doing work nonstop without getting a little cranky. The week of the exam he made my breakfast shakes, prepared salads in the fridge so that I didn't have to do anything but add dressing and eat my lunch, made healthy dinners, and did anything else that had to be done in the apartment. All I had to do was read my books and prepare for (and take) my exam. I definitely felt a little helpless and useless, but also lucky to have a partner who did more than he probably should have to make my life easy.
I felt even worse about it because during my exam week and the week before, Mark was dealing with a lot of deadlines and difficult clients at work. Talk about feeling like a bad wife. There I was, lounging around and reading while my husband did everything at home even after a long, stressful day at work. All I can say is how lucky I am to have him as my partner in life.
2. Now, I turn to the best reading group ever. Rob and Dilara and I decided that we would prepare for the exam together way back in the winter or spring quarter of last year. We started meeting once a week to discuss books during the quarter, even though our class schedule didn't really allow us to finish a book a week--we just read what we could. Once summer hit, though, we kicked things into high gear. Rob put together a darn good schedule. We tried to stick to it, but life got in the way and we had to rearrange our schedule strategically. In the end, we ended up reading between 1 (really long book)-3 (medium-longish books) books per week. Each Wednesday we got together over Google Hangout and talked about the major issues in each text, how ideas were evolving as we moved through the works chronologically, and tried to articulate how we might use particular texts to answer exam questions.
I (and I think I can safely say that my colleagues did, too) definitely had moments where I had one or several of the following emotions/thoughts:
(1) being completely overwhelmed by the amount of reading left to do;
(2) thinking that I had not read closely enough/took enough notes to pass;
(3) worrying that I had spent a large chunk of the summer preparing for a test that I would fail, which would mean that I would have nothing to show for my summer's work;
(4) contemplating the possibility of not taking the exam this year because I wasn't ready.
Our group meetings were always part talking about the texts and part talking about life and encouraging each other to continue working. We all leaned on each other at some point over the summer. We kept each other from thinking that we would fail. We pushed each other to take the test. I can't express to you what it feels like to hear your fellow grad students and friends say to you, "Stephanie, you are more than ready for this exam," or "Stephanie, we have all been working hard and we will all pass," on weeks when I didn't finish as much reading as I had planned or was determined to put the exam off until next year. I hope that when I said the same thing to them, they felt as uplifted as I was.
Aside from the emotional support, our meetings helped me in more practical ways. They kept me accountable to the schedule, and their different perspectives on texts helped me deepen my own understanding of them. Once we got to our individual lists, our meetings became even more useful. Knowing that I would have to explain a text to people who had not read it, I pushed myself to understand my contemporary texts well enough that I could try to explain the main arguments to others clearly and succinctly. Also, because our individual lists had no overlap, I got to learn more about political theory from Dilara and Rob. Dilara's list focused on reproductive rights and feminism. It included a host of books with perspectives to which I had not yet been exposed. Without her, I would know very little (if anything) about the interesting conversation going on between political theorists who are wrestling with questions of liberal society, issues of sex, gender, and reproduction, and the relation of all of these things to politics. Rob's list, on the other hand, focused on neoliberalism (as defined by the person who helped him put together his list). His explanation of the work attuned me to the way that some people approach conversations about recognition, oppression, class, equality, and justice--which happens to be in some ways very different, and in others quite similar to the approach taken by the political theorists I have read. Dilara and Rob made me a better, more knowledgeable political theorist than I would have been if I had tried to prepare for this alone.
We all passed.
3. Visiting San Diego and Texas to get some much-needed relaxation and family time was also essential. It let me come back to Chicago renewed and filled with the energy that I needed in those last few weeks.
4. The classes I took and the exit interview (which is like a watered-down, oral version of a comprehensive exam) that I sat at Baylor helped to prepare me for this experience. Between the books I read for class and my exit interview reading list, I had already read about half of the books on my comprehensive exam list. Even though I still had review those texts and reinterpret them in light of what I have learned in graduate school, I at least had enough basic knowledge and old notes on these texts to use them somewhat effectively during the exam.
I know I have been rambling for a while, but I also want to write about my experience taking the exam. This way, I'll never have to bring up the theory exam in anything more than passing ever again!
I spent the morning of day one casually reviewing notes and dancing around the living room to songs like Rise Up (a song written for Baylor football), Roar, and that song that starts with some dude yelling "LET'S GET READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEE." I mean, they weren't going to send out the prompts until 9ish, and I woke up at 5:30. At 8:50, I received THE e-mail. I scanned the prompts and found one that was similar to a question asked a few years ago. Thankfully, someone in our study group had the bright idea to say that we should look at previous exam questions and write mini-outlines/notes for as many as we could--so I wasn't completely a deer in the headlights on day one. But I still had only eight hours to plan, find quotes for, write, and edit what ended up being about eleven pages (double spaced, 1 in. margins, 12 pt Times New Roman, if you must know). After an hour of pulling quotes and roughly outlining, I began writing. The pace was furious. That salad Mark prepared for me didn't get eaten--all I had time for was nibbling on an apple. Smokey was angrily meowing at me for about three hours, presumably because he is used to sitting with me and getting pet while I read. As I wrote, I learned more about the texts and the underlying fundamental issues present in political theory. I made interpretive moves under pressure that I would never have made under normal circumstances. Even though some of them may have been too crazy, the exhilarating feeling I got from finding out just what I could do with my knowledge of texts and the history of political thought was wonderful. I didn't have any time to edit at the end, which really bothered me. I know I repeated myself, had typos, and who knows what else. As soon as I hit send, I immediately questioned everything I had just written. Did I pick the question I could answer best? Did I use fitting texts to respond? Did I actually respond to the question with a coherent argument and not simply a lit review? What I needed to do was be positive about what I had completed, put the day out of my head, and rest.
I tried to go to sleep at nine, but I just couldn't stay asleep. I was worried about what I had done and what the next day would bring. I woke up about every hour or two, and decided to get up at 5:30, but couldn't summon the energy to dance around again. Instead, I played some upbeat music while trying to calmly look over my notes. On the food end, I actually brought out my salad and nibbled on it. The day was a little more relaxed, but the writing pace was still intense. Otherwise everything went roughly like day one, but it involved even more interpretive moves and arguments made in a state of semi-delirium.
At the end of it all, I wanted to do absolutely nothing. Once I did my final debrief with Rob and Dilara, I realized that there is only so much any person can do in eight hours. The professors understand that. But, that doesn't mean that I didn't wish I had edited more or planned my arguments better. All things considered, I am proud of myself and my friends for getting this done. We are definitely spending some time celebrating our success before we start preparing for our next comprehensive exam.
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| My stack of exam books |
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